-
I'll admit that I sometimes yearn to be a recluse. I cherish the idea of becoming a mountain-climbing, nature-exploring hermit. Honestly, my first response in recent years to heavy burdens and heart-breaking pain is to find the nearest mountain and get lost in the woods for a while. I talk to God when I walk, sometimes audibly, which I'm sure only adds to the crazy-backwoods-lady persona.
This first week back in New Hampshire has been spent walking. Sometimes along the ridges of mountains in the rain and sometimes along the beach in the sunshine. Sometimes through laughter as I remember this summer and sometimes through tears as I mourn the separation. Somehow my heart and mind really believe that this wandering will lead me to a resolution, that the thoughts and feelings that are all jumbled up inside will become untangled through the process of hiking and walking and meandering through the countryside. Well, in some ways this has been true. Many times I've been struck by God's character as I've walked along through His creation. I've opened His word on the top of a rocky mountain or next to crashing waves, and I've been struck, in a unique way, by the truths He has left for us to discover and live by. 
On Sunday, my brother-in-law preached from Psalm 19, which was so clearly Providential. It was a soothing reminder of God's revelation for my weary, conflicted, and wandering heart...
The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
Day to day pours out speech,
and night to night reveals knowledge.
There is no speech, nor are there words,
whose voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out through all the earth,
and their words to the end of the world.
In them he has set a tent for the sun,
which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber,
and, like a strong man, runs its course with joy.
Its rising is from the end of the heavens,
and its circuit to the end of them,
and there is nothing hidden from its heat.
The law of the Lord is perfect,
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the Lord is sure,
making wise the simple;
the precepts of the Lord are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the Lord is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
the fear of the Lord is clean,
enduring forever;
the rules of the Lord are true,
and righteous altogether.
More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
Moreover, by them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
Who can discern his errors?
Declare me innocent from hidden faults.
Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins;
let them not have dominion over me!
Then I shall be blameless,
and innocent of great transgression.
Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
It's in His creation, in His Word, and in His grace that God shows us Himself. That's what the sermon was all about, and it's exactly what I needed to be reminded of. I've been slowly edging my way back into the routines of life in New Hampshire. Spending time of quiet and retreat in the woods and by the seaside, and enjoying sweet moments with family. I'm thankful for these days of transition because every time I come back from Haiti I go through a strange kind of seasonal depression, only it's more like a culture-shock kind of depression.
When I come back to New Hampshire, I can't help but be struck by the inconsistencies between life here and life in Haiti. I can so quickly recite truths I know about God: His goodness, His faithfulness, His provision, His promises to sustain and protect and defend. And yet, when I'm faced with the realities of life in these two different places, I find myself with blurry vision when it comes to seeing God. How often do I measure His goodness based on my own circumstances? I praise Him for His goodness when I'm happy, healthy, and all my proverbial ducks are in a row.
I'm seeing during this fifth transition back to life in New Hampshire that the conflict and struggle within is actually a simple vision problem. God hasn't changed. I know this. Of course He is still the same, perfect and holy, constant and faithful to the end. It's my eyes that need adjusting. After the service on Sunday I was talking to a few friends at church and one of them asked if some of the conflict that I was feeling was guilt over the abundance we experience here. I quickly responded that guilt is the wrong feeling for the struggle. I know I've never done anything to deserve the blessings of clean drinking water and safe shelter and nourishing food and comfort and convenience and peaceful relationships and a (relatively) well functioning governing system and a supportive family and quality education and an encouraging church community and easy access to God's Word and the million other blessings I experience in my life. But the more I've thought about that question, the more I think there is guilt.
I'm guilty of not being faithful with these gifts, of taking them for granted, and even worse, of turning them into the object of my affection. Instead of using these gifts to fulfill a greater purpose, I have turned them into my goal. I have, in so many little and practical ways, chosen to worship and serve the creation rather than the Creator. I'm so quick to live for this moment, to be driven by my own desires, that I forget I was made for a greater purpose. I was given gifts not to hoard them, but to give them. I was blessed with abundance not so I would find my fulfillment in this abundance, but so that I could be a vessel poured-out, one that points to the Creator and Redeemer.
So now I'm praying and studying, and welcoming your prayers and words of wisdom and insight, to know how to do this... How do I live this life for God? How do I find contentment in abundance or poverty, in rejoicing or sorrow? How do I remain faithful to Him in whatever may come? How do I walk by faith in my day to day life? How do I know what decisions to make and what paths to take? How can I be used to further His kingdom? In what ways does He want me to serve and love those around me? How can I be guided by His loving hand rather than my own fears or insecurities or selfishness? How can this little life declare daily, through even the smallest things, that I am not my own, that I have been bought with the precious blood of Jesus Christ? How can I live this life for Him?
My time in Haiti has provided me with so many gifts and blessings. I have been continually reminded of God's character and His truths, which help my eyes to see once again His ultimate goal in redemption. His goal is not for me to have every little desire of my broken, sin-marred, and painfully short-sighted heart, but rather, to live in the abundance of His grace and lavish love for all of eternity. He has saved me to bring Him honor and glory in this life and then forevermore. I was reminded of a familiar confession of faith this summer which summarizes what I need to see most, the truth that I'm praying to see more clearly each moment of the day. If I see this one thing more clearly, then wherever He leads me, whether it be living life here in New Hampshire or in Haiti, teaching children in rural New Hampshire public school or in the inner city of Port au Prince, living in close community or walking alone in the deepest wilderness, it will all be for Him...
What is the chief end of man?
Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.
With much love in Him,
Jessie
